"Did you know that you talk funny?"

It is that time of year again, when a city very close to my own becomes over-run with the necessary evil of tourists. Normally I don't mind, and have even been known to approach a confused looking pair holding a map upside down to see if they need help, and offer up directions or pointers on where to get a good beer. I generally like people, and tourists are people, for the most part.
There is a particular tourist that I simply cannot stand, however, and yesterday John and I had an encounter of the too-close kind with a set of those I cannot stand, that peculiar strain of asshole that, when vacationing and encountering anything they are unfamiliar with, find the need to point out loudly how strange and bizarre they find their surroundings. Almost as though they wish they had stayed home.
Often prompting me to wonder, "Why didn't you?".

As we tried to enjoy lunch at a local watering hole in beautiful, historic Salem, a gaggle of fanny-pack and loud shirt wearing mid-westerners were led to the table next to ours. Now, I understand the attraction to Salem as a weekend getaway, although this is a bit early in the season for the Halloween revalry. I think, however, that if these people were around for Halloween they might just break out their holy water and bibles, and pray to their blonde, blue-eyed Jesus to forgive them for their proximity to the infidels.

The people were two middle aged couples, a mustachioed Lothario in a Witch City t-shirt with a no-nonsense fanny pack, his tanned, blonde and hungry looking wife; and a slightly older unnattractive woman with, by what all appearances, was a very flamboyant gay asian man. I believe they probably enjoy a sexless marriage for reasons no one but them understand. They were seated directly next to us, the blonde wife in her velour outfit complaining that they weren't by the window, where they could see the lovely Salem parking lot.
Never know when one of those pagans might walk by.

Their waiter (also our waiter), probably a gregarious, beer-guzzling Salem State college student named Vinnie, came over. Vinnie is all Massachusetts, probably has family in Southie who taught him how to talk. He is annoying in that way that some waiters cannot help but be, and he saw midwesterners and turned up his accent a bit, giving them the show they came for.
"Hello folks, I'm Vinnie and I'll be your waiter today" he smiled down at them, hoping for a tip that John and I already knew he wouldn't be getting, not from that table. The asian man looked up at him, in all seriousness, and said "Did you know that you talk funny?". They all laughed, and tried to mimick their best Boston accent, which invariably makes people sound as though they have swallowed golf balls in their effort not to pronounce the letter "R".
I hated them immediately.

Seriously who says that? Who but Americans would think it was acceptable to tell someone that they talk funny (funny here to mean "Not exactly like me"). Can't wait till I go down south again and can say "Boy you all sound so stupid! I mean, I'm sure you're not, at least not all of you, but you sure sound like it!"

My hatred grew throughout the meal, as they spoke at near shouting volume, despite the restaurant being relatively empty and their close proximity to each other.
The conversation was fairly expected,
the blonde- "Oh I didn't jog enough yesterday to have bread with a sandwich"
the mustache "what do you mean you don't serve Bud? Thats just plain un-American."
the asian "What, no baked beans? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"
The blonde "So, Salem is North of Boston?"
The mustache, "Yeah. Right where the Pilgrims landed"

It got worse when John and I received our burgers, and the blonde loudly exclaimed "OH. MY. GOD." (punctuation and all) "LOOK at all that food! It is DISGUSTING that anyone could eat that much in one sitting."
The mustache replied, "I used to be able to eat that way." The asian man shook his head loudly.
I had to quickly restrain myself from turning and yelling "I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW! WE ARE SITTING RIGHT HERE! TWO FEET AWAY." It was that or eating everything on my plate at the fastest speed possible, even if it hurt.
They did other things over the course of the next ten minutes, including yelling "EXCUSE ME!! HEY!! HELLO??" at the waiter, because he forgot the blonde's extra ranch salad dressing (so much better than bread) that she never asked for.

We left, leaving our new friends behind to enjoy the rest of their lunch, and then all that Salem had to hold. Which, actually is a lot, including parades and costume balls this Halloween, haunted houses, psychic fairs and even a Halloween Carnival.
The Annual Salem Witches Ball at the rumored-to-be-haunted Hawthorne Hotel sounds like it will be especially fun this year. And, if we run out of fun things to do, we can always give tourists incorrect directions, or throw things at them.